The other side of pursuing your passion
I want to go to the hairdresser.
I want to finally buy new clothes.
I want a car.
I want colleagues.
I want to update them at the coffee machine
and leave jokes and notes on their desks.
I want meetings.
I want to give presentations.
I want those after work drinks
and deadline banding.
Sometimes I’m jealous of seeing people in work outfits going to their office.
But on the other hand, a strong force in me keeps me from applying for a job.
It’s weird, but that power is stronger than any fear I could possibly have around not having a fixed job.
I only want to go for what I love. And at the moment there’s no vacancy for that, so I’m working hard to create it myself.
While my bank account is flirting with the zero, I wonder how much longer I’m going to find my energy for this.
Right now my life consists of teaching yoga, giving workshops and playing improv theater.
Sometimes I take on jobs on the side, just like I did when I was a student. I find that worth it to keep on being able to create my ideal (work) life.
At the same time I’m also craving for this “in between” phase to be over. To just have a normal income, a nice apartment, a dog and husband on my side.
Oh, how I would like to receive a mysterious email, revealing what my next step should be.
(I check my mailbox for that daily, no kidding.)
Or to have a man wrapping his arms around me, whispering it’s all going to be okay.
But I know the answer doesn’t lie there.
And I realize how boring it would be to be born with your passion on your forehead and your man right next to you.
So in stead, I’m trying to wrap my arms around the Unknown
and to love the dis-covery.
To surround myself with great friends and family
who accept my search and want to listen to all my findings.
At times it really feels like jumping without a parachute.
But mostly it just feels so damn right.
I’m grateful for that force that guides me.
Decision after decision, I’m staying true to myself.
And I know it will lead my to just where I have to be.
In fact I know that I am where I have to be right now.
The only thing I need, is to let go more and to trust.